Yo Mama Has a Glass Eye With a Fish In It

abortmissionHappy Mothers Day!

picture source

  • Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
  • Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the drivewayYo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans
  • Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo
  • Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed
  • Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
  • Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth

 

Some good examples of bad parenting:

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The Gypsy Daughter

gypsy

The Gypsy Daughter
New York, NY 
2008

Photo By: Chloe Rice

This piece, along with others, are being featured during the NY Photo Festival on May 13th-17th.
The print is 11×17 on heavy weight matte photo paper, and is currently up for sale.
If you are interested in this print, please email chloe@ohChloe.com

 

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oh joy! Love Life. Make Lists.

shovinJoy

Life can be really dark. It doesn’t help that Mercury is in retrograde!

Although I pay no attention to the nonsense of astrology, I do notice that life goes more and more haywire around me, every time this happens. Its hard to cope, but thanks to friends and the influence of ‘list making’ from self help magazines targeted towards middle aged women with OCD and slight weight issues, I’ve accumulated a little list of the things that keep me smiling:

  • An mp3 of my friend rapping/ butchering Artist Rendering of Me by Poison the Well, made to make me laugh.
  • Renaming girly sounding named things for guys. (Belly button is now called a manly nook.)
  • The David Lee Roth soundboard never stops being funny.
  • Texting someone when something makes me think of them at no matter what hour, just to let them know that someone is thinking of them.
  • Washing my hair everyday
  • Learning magic tricks for a dollar from crazy old homeless men.
  • Seeing Bettina and Insectavora in the Pretty Things Peep Show
  • Drinking water with a straw. (This works well when people want to meet up at bars and I just want to see my friends without boozing. As long as there is a drink in your hand at a bar, people still talk to you with the assumption that you are on the same level as them.)
  • Making an archive of everything digital for the month of April, and putting all of the iPhone photos from that month into a collage.
  • Hearing funny stories of work seminars from my closest friend who runs a porn shop.
  • Continuing to try a new tea every week at Subtletea. (Chinese Lover’s Dream Green Tea tastes just like gummy bears)
  • My waitress at Egg buying me lunch because she felt bad that they were out of my french toast.
  • Making a Django Reinhardt day. (This consists of drinking ice tea, listening to the Djangology record, playing Bioshock, and watching Sweet and Lowdown.)
  • Getting a free triple chocolate vegan brownie from a friend at Penny Licks
  • Drinking coffee and people watching on Bedford Ave on a Saturday night. (Its like encountering a Larry Clark character, in everyday life. Gross and uncomfortably amusing.)
  • Making sure to always find time (and a little gift) when someone is in from out of town.
  • Ice Cream parties at Serendipity
  • Smiling when writing emails and answering my phone. Even when I’m upset. People notice a smile even when they can’t see it.
  • Hand sewing an already assembled clothing item. (Even when it doesn’t need to be stitched up, sewing by hand just always makes something feel more personal.)
  • Eating complex Mac n’ Cheese at S’mac after a bad day, with this squeakier.
  • Teaching myself how to draw with calligraphy pens, every night.
  • The song Baby Raper by Gwar
  • Choosing a recipe from a cooking book at random and making it.


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Five Boro Bike Tour

biketour

Walking through Brooklyn, I noticed my usual trail was blocked off by cops and their fancy rave light cars. I went up to one and asked “Is this a good street blocking or a ver very bad one?” He just laughed and made me figure it out for myself.

It didn’t take long until about 5 people flew past me on tall thin bikes. Then 10, then 100, then the bikes varied and the 5 Boro Bike Tour began!

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There  were about 32,000 people on bikes. A swarm of energized humans in helmets (oh the wacky helmets) blocked the streets for hours! Unaffected by the fact that it was 50 degrees and raining, these people rode for 42 miles through all 5 boroughs, passing 5 bridges without the threat of being hit by a cab.

grump

As much as I wanted to be a part of this, I just took some photos.

Next year, I plan on doing both so that I can submit photos onto this.

All photos taken by Chloe Rice
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Glory Holes

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Perhaps I’ve been spoiled by growing up around Hungarian women who make a treat called Farsangi fánk, which is what I consider to be the perfect doughnut. Sprinkled with powdered sugar, it is a thin shell of sweet bread that is warm inside and nearly melts in your mouth. Its more than just that circular shaped  sugar bread that looks 10 times better than it tastes, at Dunkin Donuts.img_3440

After having started many days with homemade Hungarian doughnuts, Daily Donuts, California Donuts, and the next level treats from Voo Doo Doughnuts, I refuse to eat anything less.

This may be why I’ve spent nearly every morning this week stopping off at The Doughnut Plant.

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The damn place is an adorably retro looking space filled mainly with racks and contraptions that i imagine could only be necessary for making doughnuts. It is in a corner of a strip of sad looking shops, and a photography shop that conveniently also repairs shoes. Its across the street from a housing project. If that scares you away from it, then good. You don’t deserve to indulge in a vanilla glazed doughnut, or a strawberry glaze made with real berries, or a square jelly doughnut dipped in a peanut butter melted sugar coating creating what is essentially a Peanut Butter & Jelly doughnut.

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  • A big bonus: their decent coffee.
  • A slight draw back:the price. I believe the treats are 2.75 a hole.

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All photos of Doughnut Plants 'nuts were taken by Chloe Rice
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